5 Ways To Decrease Pain With Sex

Sex isn’t supposed to be painful, period. These are my top-five tips to decrease pain with sex.

1. Go SLOW

There are no “quickies” when you’re having pain with sex. Foreplay isn’t just recommended, it’s required. This is necessary to bring blood flow to your tissues and muscles and help your body start to naturally lubricate itself. This will also give you and your partner time to explore how you’re feeling, if you’re particularly sensitive in certain areas and if penetration is a good idea or not. If you are having pain with initial penetration, take time to ease into things. Insert the penis/toy/fingers a little bit, stop to breathe and bear down (more on that below), then when you’re comfortable move a little bit more. Keep doing this until you’re at the depth that is comfortable. If you are having pain with deeper penetration, try using the OhNut!

2. Use lube

Lube is going to quickly become your best friend. Using lube helps to improve sensation for all involved, decreases tissue sensitivity, and it just helps things move so much more smoothly. There is a misconception that lube is only to be used when *there’s a problem* but as Emily Morse of Sex With Emily says, there should be a lube on every nightstand - and I truly agree! Water-based lube is the most common option, it’s latex-compatible and compatible with toys. Oil-based lubricants are generally more hydrating and may last longer, but they are not latex-compatible. My go-to lube recommendations are:

  • Ah! YES Organic Water-Based Personal Lubricant - This is a clean product, hypoallergenic and fragrance-free. It also comes with an applicator so you can insert it directly into the vagina which is good if you’re having significant pain.

  • Slippery Stuff - This is the lubricant most pelvic health PTs use in the clinic that tends to work well for everybody.

  • FORIA Sex Oil - This is a blend of coconut oil and CBD made with natural and organic ingredients. I love the FORIA brand and their mission. People with pain have noted so many improvements when using this.

  • FORIA Awaken Arousal Oil - Another top-choice from FORIA, but this is actually an oil-based CBD pre-lubricant to be used before sex.

3. Practice diaphragmatic (belly) breathing

Take deep, slow breaths and feel the rise and fall of your belly. This is the easiest way to connect with your body and take control of the situation. Diaphragmatic breathing works to relax the pelvic floor muscles which is necessary for comfortable penetration. When you’re about to engage in an activity that you know is going to cause pain, your body is naturally going to tense up. When your body is in the this state, your breathing comes from your chest and usually becomes quicker and more shallow. By practicing diaphragmatic breathing, you can bring your body into a more calm state which is relaxing and safe. You can do this throughout sex, but is especially helpful during initial penetration or anytime you’re changing positions.

4. Bear down with your pelvic floor muscles

Bearing down - or pushing your pelvic floor downwards - helps to relax the pelvic floor muscles and inhibit them from clenching. Bearing down is the action that your muscles do when you’re trying to poop, so imagine doing that. I know it’s a little weird… so practice a couple of times solo so you feel comfortable. Many people find this is a great technique to use especially during initial penetration where the pelvic floor muscles tend to be the tightest.

5. Change up the position

Your pain may change considerably based on what position you are in. There are a lot of different positions you can use that may allow your pelvis to open up more and your pelvic floor to relax. Below are a couple quick tips - but get creative!

  • If missionary is your jam, but it isn’t working for you right now, try putting 1-2 pillows under your hips to help open up your pelvis more

  • Get on top - this is the position where you will have the most control over the depth of penetration, speed and the angle which can make a huge difference

  • All fours - this can really help to open up your pelvis and you can change your leg position and angle of your torso a lot. Try legs together, spread apart, a more upright torso, or lean completely forward. If you are leaning forward then try using 1-2 pillows under your chest so you can rest into the position more

  • Sidelying - if you have significant pain or tightness on one side of your pelvic floor, lying on your opposite side may be more comfortable. You’ll probably have a favorite side so play around with both.

If you’re having pain with sex, this list is a great place to start. Maybe you just needed a little more foreplay or a lot more lube - but maybe these tips aren’t enough. Sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable for everyone involved. If it’s not - find a pelvic PT today. It will change your (sex) life for good!

- Mar

P.S. I do virtual consultations & coaching. If you have personal concerns & want recommendations, this is the best way to get it! Contact me here.

Mary Voves